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Terrorblot
Member
(03-07-2017, 04:00 PM)
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I feel like the worst trans ever. I haven't been able to get my Estradiol Valerate prescription filled in like, a month and a half. I've just been taking leftover pills from when I was on them instead, and now those are out too, so I've only been taking Spiro the last week. Everytime I try filling the prescription they tell me no problem but it'll take a day and then 48 hours later they tell me they can't fill it. I've tried Walgreens / CVS / and a local pharmacy and the same thing happens everytime. I know I need to call my doctor and get this figured out but I just keep putting it off and putting it off. :\

Also, to top it all off, when I switched over to injections I was supposed to go back to check levels and I just never went back / got it done, so I've been injecting for like a year now without any idea what my levels are at. And I've been smoking. I don't know how to stop / set everything right.
Beth Cyra
Member
(03-07-2017, 05:01 PM)
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Originally Posted by driggonny

I actually think I look pretty good as a dude. It's just not what I want. If I met someone who looked exactly like me (without the creepy feeling of someone looking exactly like me) I'd probably call him cute. But for some reason I feel ugly :/

Well what looks good on others never works for us as individuals.

Like I have two very certain people in this thread who fight me everyday saying I look decent but I think I look like an ugly brute (thought the brute part does make me happy) because its just not what I want for me.

Im stuck because I don't know how to get to being me that I both like and is actually obtainable.
Silvawuff
Member
(03-07-2017, 05:39 PM)
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Originally Posted by Terrorblot

I feel like the worst trans ever. I haven't been able to get my Estradiol Valerate prescription filled in like, a month and a half. I've just been taking leftover pills from when I was on them instead, and now those are out too, so I've only been taking Spiro the last week. Everytime I try filling the prescription they tell me no problem but it'll take a day and then 48 hours later they tell me they can't fill it. I've tried Walgreens / CVS / and a local pharmacy and the same thing happens everytime. I know I need to call my doctor and get this figured out but I just keep putting it off and putting it off. :\

Also, to top it all off, when I switched over to injections I was supposed to go back to check levels and I just never went back / got it done, so I've been injecting for like a year now without any idea what my levels are at. And I've been smoking. I don't know how to stop / set everything right.

They're probably not able to fill it because there's a big national shortage in the US right now, that's been happening since the middle of last year. I've got enough to last through most of this year and I'm hoping that this'll resolve by then.

I missed my spiro for a day once at the end of my injection cycle, and I crashed pretty hard. I'm absolutely dreading coming off mones for two weeks before SRS.

Driggo - I'm really happy that you're making some important mental headway here! I would search online for a suitable, local therapist that deals specifically with trans-related stuff; your experience will be night and day if you're talking with someone who knows what they're actually talking about. It sounds to me you are ready to start making some important decisions.

Beth - I think you look great, babe, so add me as a third person who will fight you over your looks. I really think subtlety is key when it comes to passing, so if you feel you aren't, maybe try some new clothes, hair, or makeup that doesn't call attention. You'll find no people dressed at a grocery store that look like they're ready to go on a night out. (I'm not saying you do this, this is just a personal thing I've learned in my own experience -- I've gone to the aforementioned store wearing jeans, a sweater, no makeup and had my hair in a bun, and still passed somehow). You have to build confidence in yourself!
Last edited by Silvawuff; 03-07-2017 at 05:49 PM.
SpOOkyO
Junior Member
(03-07-2017, 09:54 PM)
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I just had my one year anniversary of starting my journey. On March 3rd of 2016 I had my first session with a gender Therapist. Best decision ever. Took me while to come to Terms with who I'm. But it was the best decision ever. Next up a few minor surgeries on my leg an then it's on to HRT.
It's not easy, but I so love my life.
Celebratory Selfie.


And a little Collage of my Journey

driggonny
Member
(03-07-2017, 10:13 PM)
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Wow, only a year? :O I'm not yet really familiar with the transitioning process, but that seems impressive!
Beth Cyra
Member
(03-07-2017, 10:16 PM)
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Originally Posted by driggonny

Wow, only a year? :O I'm not yet really familiar with the transitioning process, but that seems impressive!

Transition is unique to each and every person.

Results will differ for each one of us :)
SpOOkyO
Junior Member
(03-07-2017, 10:34 PM)
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Oh, the weightloss started before the coming out. The time difference between top left and bottom left pic is a little under two Years.
Subconsiencously I started earlier,but for real a Year ago. And been living fulltime since then.
I don't know if my Progress is fast, I feel it is way too slow.
At least I got rid of the worst dysphoria attacks, that made me want to literally cut the skin from my body.
Still have bouts here and there.
Luckily I have a pretty good and supportive family and friends.
Except for my Dad who still can really Deal with it.....
driggonny
Member
(03-08-2017, 12:10 AM)
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Originally Posted by SpOOkyO

Oh, the weightloss started before the coming out. The time difference between top left and bottom left pic is a little under two Years.
Subconsiencously I started earlier,but for real a Year ago. And been living fulltime since then.
I don't know if my Progress is fast, I feel it is way too slow.
At least I got rid of the worst dysphoria attacks, that made me want to literally cut the skin from my body.
Still have bouts here and there.
Luckily I have a pretty good and supportive family and friends.
Except for my Dad who still can really Deal with it.....

I'm sorry, that's understandable. I realize now that I don't want to hurt people with my ignorance. I'll try to pick my words more carefully. Suffice it to say, I think you great! :)
SpOOkyO
Junior Member
(03-08-2017, 02:08 AM)
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Originally Posted by driggonny

I'm sorry, that's understandable. I realize now that I don't want to hurt people with my ignorance. I'll try to pick my words more carefully. Suffice it to say, I think you great! :)

Don't worry. I don't hurt that easily.
But Thank you and thank you for the compliment. 😄
driggonny
Member
(03-08-2017, 07:06 PM)
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It's hard to believe that it's only been 3 days since I started posting here. But it feels like it has been a long time coming. Being transgender makes so much sense at this point that I'm actually getting suspicious. It makes a bit too much sense to be true >.< I really do need a professional opinion though. I'm hesitant to label myself without that input.

Originally Posted by Silvawuff

Driggo - I'm really happy that you're making some important mental headway here! I would search online for a suitable, local therapist that deals specifically with trans-related stuff; your experience will be night and day if you're talking with someone who knows what they're actually talking about. It sounds to me you are ready to start making some important decisions.

I wasn't sure how to do it myself, but I started correspondence with the head of the LGBT resource center at my campus and I hope he can help me get in touch with a gender therapist.
Last edited by driggonny; 03-08-2017 at 08:17 PM.
Silvawuff
Member
(03-08-2017, 10:27 PM)
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Originally Posted by driggonny

It's hard to believe that it's only been 3 days since I started posting here. But it feels like it has been a long time coming. Being transgender makes so much sense at this point that I'm actually getting suspicious. It makes a bit too much sense to be true >.< I really do need a professional opinion though. I'm hesitant to label myself without that input.

I wasn't sure how to do it myself, but I started correspondence with the head of the LGBT resource center at my campus and I hope he can help me get in touch with a gender therapist.

You bring up an interesting point, because labels are just that...labels. I think it's perfectly reasonable to say that you're not entirely sure yet, and that's awesome! There is no real binary here -- transgender or not transgender. Maybe after you talk to some people and do your own mental footwork, you can decide how to be the most happy with yourself, regardless of whatever camp that might place you in for the sake of a label.

When I first met my (good) therapist, she handed me a sheet with a sliding scale of how I currently identified on the gender spectrum, and there were multiple things to pick underneath that umbrella. It's a fluid thing that can change as you discover more about yourself and how you feel as a person.
driggonny
Member
(03-09-2017, 12:25 AM)
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Originally Posted by Silvawuff

You bring up an interesting point, because labels are just that...labels. I think it's perfectly reasonable to say that you're not entirely sure yet, and that's awesome! There is no real binary here -- transgender or not transgender. Maybe after you talk to some people and do your own mental footwork, you can decide how to be the most happy with yourself, regardless of whatever camp that might place you in for the sake of a label.

When I first met my (good) therapist, she handed me a sheet with a sliding scale of how I currently identified on the gender spectrum, and there were multiple things to pick underneath that umbrella. It's a fluid thing that can change as you discover more about yourself and how you feel as a person.

You're completely right, and I'm trying to be sensible in how I do this, but it's killing me not to label myself. I hate not understanding myself. I'm feeling terribly impatient atm.

I think labels are great in the sense that, if I could find out what label I identify with, then I could have a much better understanding of what I should be doing to achieve what I want. I just don't necessarily trust myself to make that decision on my own, even with online feedback.

I just wish that guy would email me back already ;_;
Last edited by driggonny; 03-09-2017 at 12:42 AM.
Butterfly Witch
Member
(03-09-2017, 01:11 AM)
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I think a therapist can be an important tool to help but please be wary of needing confirmation.

You don't need someone to tell you if you like mayo or the color red in the same way you don't need someone to tell you who you are. I'd say take the time to talk to members of the trans community, learn and ask questions as that is the best way to get answers.

I'm going to disagree with Silvawulf in the aspect that being trans is binary. You're either cis or you're trans. If you identify with the gender given to you at birth then you are cis, if you don't then you are trans. That aspect is pretty cut and dry.

I'd say that different trans people have different goals and that being trans doesn't necessarily imply that you want to present as male or female, you can certainly be non-binary or even gender fluid but if you don't identify with your gender as assigned at birth then you're still trans.

This is why I personally dislike the stereotypical "MtF/FtM" designations as they are overly simplistic and can also imply that one was "once a man and now a woman" when in reality trans women have always been women from birth, they just may have not presented as such.

Personally, I rather use the AFAB/AMAB designations because they're more accurate and inclusive for intersex, non-binary and gender fluid folk. Assigned Female At Birth, Assigned Male At Birth.

Just because you were assigned male at birth and are trans it doesn't mean you want to "be" a woman, you could be non-binary, agender, etc.
driggonny
Member
(03-09-2017, 09:33 PM)
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Okay, I feel fairly comfortable in saying that I think I'm a transgender woman at this point.

I've made an appointment with a therapist on campus who was specifically recommended to me by the head of the LGBT resource center on my campus so I hope that bodes well for her knowledge on the subject. It's in two weeks because of spring break.

I'll try to be assertive with how I feel because I've often felt that I clam up during sessions and that it takes longer for me to get the help I need because the therapist doesn't realize the extent to which I am affected by my issues.

Unless she can bring up a valid alternative reason as to why I have practically felt like a woman for my whole life, to the point of wondering if I'm accidentally ingesting estrogen through the tap water, then I'm going to go ahead with my new reality.
Last edited by driggonny; 03-09-2017 at 10:10 PM.
Misha
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(03-10-2017, 03:55 PM)
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Originally Posted by driggonny

Okay, I feel fairly comfortable in saying that I think I'm a transgender woman at this point.

I've made an appointment with a therapist on campus who was specifically recommended to me by the head of the LGBT resource center on my campus so I hope that bodes well for her knowledge on the subject. It's in two weeks because of spring break.

I'll try to be assertive with how I feel because I've often felt that I clam up during sessions and that it takes longer for me to get the help I need because the therapist doesn't realize the extent to which I am affected by my issues.

Unless she can bring up a valid alternative reason as to why I have practically felt like a woman for my whole life, to the point of wondering if I'm accidentally ingesting estrogen through the tap water, then I'm going to go ahead with my new reality.

If your therapist is good for LGBT then they'll likely encourage you to speak up. I've had a couple that were good like that and a couple that went the more "are you sure?" Route. Both meant well but the former let me speak up and the latter made me doubt yourself. Definitely prepare yourself to remain strong in what you want to say but you shouldn't need to.

Ingesting estrogen wouldn't make you feel more like a woman if you weren't one, it would make you just feel more uncomfortable. (Also never let someone tell that to you as a real reason. "There's something in the water" is a real thing people use to descredit LGBT people)
driggonny
Member
(03-10-2017, 04:00 PM)
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Originally Posted by Misha

If your therapist is good for LGBT then they'll likely encourage you to speak up. I've had a couple that were good like that and a couple that went the more "are you sure?" Route. Both meant well but the former let me speak up and the latter made me doubt yourself. Definitely prepare yourself to remain strong in what you want to say but you shouldn't need to.

Ingesting estrogen wouldn't make you feel more like a woman if you weren't one, it would make you just feel more uncomfortable. (Also never let someone tell that to you as a real reason. "There's something in the water" is a real thing people use to descredit LGBT people)

I'm sorry, I was joking with the water thing. But I have legitimately had that thought in my life so I was kind of poking fun at myself :P

I suppose those are the kind of thoughts you have when you don't understand your feelings at all.
Misha
Member
(03-10-2017, 08:25 PM)
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Originally Posted by driggonny

I'm sorry, I was joking with the water thing. But I have legitimately had that thought in my life so I was kind of poking fun at myself :P

I suppose those are the kind of thoughts you have when you don't understand your feelings at all.

No need to apologize! I kinda figured that but just wanted to add that since it's something that gets reinforced by people who mean harm.

The other thing that I realized in the last few years is that we are a result of our environment in so many ways anyway that it really wouldn't matter if somehow water changed a large portion of your identity. It happens all the time but just not for things we notice.
Silvawuff
Member
(03-11-2017, 04:45 AM)
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Butterfly Witch - you bring up some interesting points about trans and the semantics surrounding it. I personally don't even like the term "cis" because it's reinforcing a binary and the "otherism" behind gender-whatever people.

We're all human beings that deserve to be treated the same as everyone else, regardless of how we identify. What it means to be transgender and how you feel about yourself, regardless of label, is strictly up to you! I say this because gender and how people relate to it is a huge spectrum with so many different facets and aspects to it, it's almost a shame to try to reduce it to a single binary. Our sense of self, how we identify, and how we present and interact with people is too complex to narrow it down in such a way.

Driggo -- my best advice is go in to the meeting and be honest with yourself. This isn't a quiz or a test; you don't have to "prove" anything. You're figuring out some important things about yourself. Hopefully the therapist will have experience with this and will be able to give you some solid things to think about that will help you feel better. If you come out feeling worse than you did going in (or you felt like you didn't "click" with them), you can always ask to speak to someone else about this or get a referral. You're not locked into having to talk to anyone about anything, and if you're uncomfortable, make sure you share this and tell them why. Advocate for yourself!
Last edited by Silvawuff; 03-11-2017 at 05:01 AM.
Terrorblot
Member
(03-19-2017, 01:36 PM)
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Finally got my Estradiol restocked and the doctor mailed out my gender marker forms and letters! Getting stuff done feels great sometimes. Next one my checklist is actually starting Electro / Laser and working on my voice. I've been on HRT for like 1 1/2 and have been completely out for most of it and I still haven't bothered with either, haha.
mollipen
(03-19-2017, 10:35 PM)
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Originally Posted by Terrorblot

Finally got my Estradiol restocked and the doctor mailed out my gender marker forms and letters! Getting stuff done feels great sometimes. Next one my checklist is actually starting Electro / Laser and working on my voice. I've been on HRT for like 1 1/2 and have been completely out for most of it and I still haven't bothered with either, haha.

Yikes—good luck if you go the electrolysis route. It definitely hurts me more now than when I was doing it pre-HRT. Also, depending on your situation, it can take a while. I started it in April 2013 doing once a week appointments, and I'm still not done yet. (Though, at this point, I'm once every three weeks due to not having enough left to do more often.)
AppleSeason
Member
(03-20-2017, 11:59 AM)
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Happy three months SRS anniversary... Supposedly I can have a normal life again, but the truth is...

- Dilation cut to two days leaves me with far more freedom, but every remaining session is harder and shittier

- Not a lot of sensitivity or capacity to orgasm. And toying with it seems like asking for trouble. I feel like it still needs more healing. I had a pretty good initial healing, but then things slowed down a lot.

- I'm still going through low self steem and being extremely conscious about my body. Not passing, I am still afraid of dating without disclosing before meeting. scars are big enough to get me clocked if I reached that point

- I seem to have gone full lesbian to the point of a massive dislike for men and being repulsed by penises. Even realistic dildos feel gross and disgusting.
Rösti
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(03-20-2017, 08:55 PM)
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Originally Posted by AppleSeason

- I'm still going through low self steem and being extremely conscious about my body. Not passing, I am still afraid of dating without disclosing before meeting. scars are big enough to get me clocked if I reached that point

I can only speak for myself, but judging from the few photos I've seen of you I think you look perfectly fine/passing. Of course, most important is what you personally think.

Congrats on the anniversary also.
Beth Cyra
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(03-20-2017, 09:08 PM)
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Originally Posted by AppleSeason

Happy three months SRS anniversary... Supposedly I can have a normal life again, but the truth is...

- Dilation cut to two days leaves me with far more freedom, but every remaining session is harder and shittier

- Not a lot of sensitivity or capacity to orgasm. And toying with it seems like asking for trouble. I feel like it still needs more healing. I had a pretty good initial healing, but then things slowed down a lot.

- I'm still going through low self steem and being extremely conscious about my body. Not passing, I am still afraid of dating without disclosing before meeting. scars are big enough to get me clocked if I reached that point

- I seem to have gone full lesbian to the point of a massive dislike for men and being repulsed by penises. Even realistic dildos feel gross and disgusting.

The full lesbian one seems common at least for a while between many of us that have go through lower surgery.

Granted I can't speak for them and I was pretty much a man hater by the majority of those who knew me before hand so I didn't experience much of a change.

I have read though that this can be something that passes and you will swing back to a more even keel and then there are folk who only grow to dislike men even more.

Good luck Apple and hopefully you continue to heal well.
AppleSeason
Member
(03-20-2017, 09:16 PM)
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Originally Posted by Beth Cyra

The full lesbian one seems common at least for a while between many of us that have go through lower surgery.

Granted I can't speak for them and I was pretty much a man hater by the majority of those who knew me before hand so I didn't experience much of a change.

I have read though that this can be something that passes and you will swing back to a more even keel and then there are folk who only grow to dislike men even more.

Good luck Apple and hopefully you continue to heal well.

I was dick curious, at least in the first month. Not anymore, tbh. And I haven't been so devoid of doubts or dick-curious since my macho man days. And getting a dislike for dicks is a problem when open to dating other transwomen. It's like I am turning myself into one of the cis lesbians that would stop talking to me when they found out. Absolutely not good.



Speaking of the trans, my therapist left me a message today. Apparently I am to expect a call from a starting transwoman needing advice and guidance. i guess I have to pay back after all the free therapy I got.
Platy
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(03-20-2017, 10:14 PM)
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Originally Posted by AppleSeason

- I'm still going through low self steem and being extremely conscious about my body. Not passing, I am still afraid of dating without disclosing before meeting. scars are big enough to get me clocked if I reached that point

This seems to be a plot hole here .... or are you meeting people you found on GAF or any other non pic place ?
Beth Cyra
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(03-21-2017, 01:53 AM)
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Originally Posted by AppleSeason

I was dick curious, at least in the first month. Not anymore, tbh. And I haven't been so devoid of doubts or dick-curious since my macho man days. And getting a dislike for dicks is a problem when open to dating other transwomen. It's like I am turning myself into one of the cis lesbians that would stop talking to me when they found out. Absolutely not good.



Speaking of the trans, my therapist left me a message today. Apparently I am to expect a call from a starting transwoman needing advice and guidance. i guess I have to pay back after all the free therapy I got.

I'm pretty close to those Cis lesbian bitches that are really judgemental, not a good thing but it's true.

Trans Womwn I'm still attracted to so long as they meet whatever internal meter I have that says they are fem enough regardless of their gentitals.

Like I'm just really into the lipstick fem persona, I have as much interest in a butch lesbian as I do a man, and that has only become more cemented post surgery.

The problem is as I bulk out and more anger builds I'm slowly acting and dressing more butch so I'm not only am I a bitch I'm a hypocritical bitch.
AppleSeason
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(03-21-2017, 10:00 AM)
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Originally Posted by Platy

This seems to be a plot hole here .... or are you meeting people you found on GAF or any other non pic place ?

Online dating. I pass 90% of the time in pictures (angles and that shit). See me in person and you will soon notice the obvious, from voice to body shape. I'm not exactly tiny..
SpOOkyO
Junior Member
(03-22-2017, 01:03 AM)
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Originally Posted by AppleSeason

Online dating. I pass 90% of the time in pictures (angles and that shit). See me in person and you will soon notice the obvious, from voice to body shape. I'm not exactly tiny..

I know how this feels 100% and it is what is stopping me from dating. I'm really scared of it.
Beth Cyra
Member
(03-22-2017, 02:38 AM)
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Originally Posted by SpOOkyO

I know how this feels 100% and it is what is stopping me from dating. I'm really scared of it.

I tried dating for a bit locally but I was just not what peeps where looking for (well got many offered by men actually) so I ended up giving up quickly.

Still good luck to y'all I hope it's a smoother experience for ya ladies.
Dai101
Banned
(03-22-2017, 02:51 AM)
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Originally Posted by SpOOkyO

I know how this feels 100% and it is what is stopping me from dating. I'm really scared of it.

Understandable, but give it a try, just be safe. Not all us cis-males are that bad. Nor all of us bite...





Unless you want to it ;-P


Originally Posted by Beth Cyra

I tried dating for a bit locally but I was just not what peeps where looking for (well got many offered by men actually) so I ended up giving up quickly.

Still good luck to y'all I hope it's a smoother experience for ya ladies.

Yep. Best of luck to ya'll lovely ladies.

Best to you too Beth ;-)
SpOOkyO
Junior Member
(03-22-2017, 10:26 AM)
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Maybe it is just in my head. I'm hyper critical of my body and my looks.
I'm always upfront about me being transgender, some guys and galt are ok and want to meet.
But somehow I always cancel before a first date happens.
Just writing this right now, makes me feel anxious and Paniky....lol, I'm such a muss.
Creepy
Member
(03-22-2017, 11:33 AM)
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Originally Posted by SpOOkyO

Maybe it is just in my head. I'm hyper critical of my body and my looks.
I'm always upfront about me being transgender, some guys and galt are ok and want to meet.
But somehow I always cancel before a first date happens.
Just writing this right now, makes me feel anxious and Paniky....lol, I'm such a muss.

I think you're very pretty.

I know me saying that wont change anything about how you feel, I know what it's like to have doubts about oneself.

But it's just the truth from a passing stranger.
SpOOkyO
Junior Member
(03-22-2017, 01:02 PM)
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Originally Posted by Creepy

I think you're very pretty.

I know me saying that wont change anything about how you feel, I know what it's like to have doubts about oneself.

But it's just the truth from a passing stranger.

Thank you for the compliment. On my good days,that happen fortunatly, more often then the Bad days, I feel really confident.
And meeting New people is fun and I love socialize. It's just with dating that gets me.
Maybe I'm not ready yet.
Beth Cyra
Member
(03-23-2017, 12:44 AM)
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Originally Posted by Dai101

Understandable, but give it a try, just be safe. Not all us cis-males are that bad. Nor all of us bite...





Unless you want to it ;-P




Yep. Best of luck to ya'll lovely ladies.

Best to you too Beth ;-)

Thanks Dai.

I have a huge change to presentation and look that will start this Saturday, it will be interesting to see how that goes over lol.
Dai101
Banned
(03-23-2017, 12:59 AM)
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Originally Posted by Beth Cyra

Thanks Dai.

I have a huge change to presentation and look that will start this Saturday, it will be interesting to see how that goes over lol.

Nice. Hope everything goes great for you.

And we also wanna see that new changes too ;-)
Beth Cyra
Member
(03-28-2017, 09:40 PM)
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Originally Posted by Dai101

Nice. Hope everything goes great for you.

And we also wanna see that new changes too ;-)

Lol well I promised a new look so here ya go peeps:)

https://instagram.com/p/BSMgxUEBc-W/
Dai101
Banned
(03-28-2017, 09:47 PM)
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Originally Posted by Beth Cyra

Lol well I promised a new look so here ya go peeps:)

https://instagram.com/p/BSMgxUEBc-W/

OH MY

You look fucking amazing with dark hair. It really suit you well along with the cut you had. I'm in love!

Also, your wife is a cutie. Wish you two the best. Tell her i send my regards from here ;-)
Beth Cyra
Member
(03-28-2017, 09:59 PM)
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Originally Posted by Dai101

OH MY

You look fucking amazing with dark hair. It really suit you well along with the cut you had. I'm in love!

Also, your wife is a cutie. Wish you two the best. Tell her i send my regards from here ;-)

Thanks Dai, I will most certainly tell her what you said and I know she will be grateful to know it :)

Thanks for being so kind Dai and you're way to sweet.
AppleSeason
Member
(04-05-2017, 02:48 PM)
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Whoever said that things get better at three months post op (Hint: Suporn's manual) was a big fat liar.


Dilation is crippling my life, even after cutting to two sessions per day. It keeps getting harder to get to depth, requiring to add more and more time to those 60 minutes per session. The chronic constipation that I have been enduring since surgery adds more pain and difficulty.. I barely get any sleep due to how late I go to bed with this, and I have to run every morning to catch the train. I look like a complete mess due to no time to fix myself in the mornings. My hair is starting to look like something out of an anime with spiky hairdos.

I may be fit enough to work out and go the swimming pool now that the gyno confirmed everything was properly healed and no risk of infections, but it will still take even more time to recover my freedom. Between work until late, dilation and grocery shopping / laundry / house cleaning, I only sit down to have dinner or dilate. I knew it was going to be hard, but I'm already regretting not having gone for an orchi instead. My life is miserable due my life pretty much not being compatible with dilation.


To anybody who is thinking about having SRS, please keep into account that a 60 minutes "quality session" can turn into 80-90 minutes, not counting time to set things and clean after all. If you have little to no free time and bad working times + commutes, it can be a recipe for disaster. I have already started to thing about letting it close. I'm falling apart from sleep deprivation. 24 hours are not enough anymore.
Cepheus
Member
(04-05-2017, 06:43 PM)
Cepheus's Avatar
So... Hi. My name's Cepheus on here. I'm starting to get confused about my gender identity.

For a number of reasons. I've never been happy with my body, and admittedly I have wondered what it would be like if I were born a girl quite a bit. In high school, my mind used to wonder and I'd tell myself that if I could go to a different world, or be reincarnated or something, I'd want to be a girl instead of a boy. But I never really put two and two together. Growing up, I always connected with my mother way more than my father, I prefer to have my hair quite long and used to cry when I had to get it cut short (last crying incident happened when I was about twelve). Because of this I looked very gender ambiguous as a child, and growing up with two sisters I was often mistaken for a girl by strangers/old people etc. I always hated it, though looking back, I think it was more to do with the fact that people made fun of me for looking the way I did as opposed to hating 'looking like a girl'.

Also, I was fascinated by stories in which boys had the ability to become girls as a child, which I honestly pin down to envy since they had the ability to do that and I was stuck with the body I was in. I felt the same way as I did when I looked at what other people had done with their lives, compared that to mine and felt equally envious/depressed. Again, I never made that connection until recently.

Due to anxiety and such growing up, I had never even considered looking into this as I had other things on my mind that distracted me. Now that I'm older (20), and on anti-anxiety medication, it's given me room to breathe and figure out who I really am. Last November I came to the realisation that I was bisexual, and having since gotten involved in a small section of the LGBT community since then I have been exposed to a lot and finally felt comfortable experimenting with my sexuality/gender. I found a pronoun-changing site thing online and messed around for a bit, and became scarily happy when I went over the 'she/her' options and such. I asked my gay online friends to call me Raina and use she/her pronouns for me, and I feel much more comfortable for it. It's been almost a month since then and those pronouns are still being used, and I still feel happy.

But I don't know where that leaves me. I'm getting the feeling I did when I was first coming to terms with my bisexuality, when I thought that I might have gotten it wrong and if so I would have lied to everyone and that made me feel anxious. However, I wasn't wrong about my bisexuality in the end. So what if I'm right about my gender...? I have no idea what to do next. I went to the student support centre at my university about it and they handed me a leaflet with some web addresses on it and told me to make a GP appointment, which I have done. It's this Friday and I'm a bit worried.

If it turns out that I really am trans, then I've got numerous obstacles to face. I haven't told my family about my feelings yet since I'm worried that they wouldn't take me seriously, and if they did, then it would put stress on my mother who has already been stressed out over numerous things recently and this is the last thing I'd want to do to her. My father is incredibly racist/sexist/Islamophobic/homophobic/transphobic. He doesn't live with us anymore but I'm worried that bad things would happen if he found out I was bi, let alone maybe trans/genderfluid/whatever I turn out to be.

Then there's the fact that I'm 6'3", have a voice deeper than the Marina Trench, and also have a cleft lip. So I stick out enough already and I'm worried that I will never pass because of these things. Presenting as female would only give people more of a reason to give me looks/make me stick out more and I'm upset by that. In an ideal world I'd be fully ready to experiment with female clothing and such, but I think other people's perceptions of me are holding me back.

I'm going on an excursion with one of my LGBT online friends in Birmingham, UK which coincides with Pride, so since I'm going to be away from family, I'm thinking of dipping my toes into this further by introducing myself to people as Raina instead of my birth name and see how it goes.

I'm confused, GAF.
Platy
Member
(04-05-2017, 09:48 PM)
Platy's Avatar
My country is one step to forcing every people to change their IDs to a single identity that looks like this and would have a chip with every data you need.

Sounds awesome right ?

NOPE !

It is also one of the only IDs that will have permanently your sex marked right below your name. =|
In a country that is already hard as fuck to change your name, let along your sex at birth certificates.

AppleSeason
Member
(04-06-2017, 06:15 AM)
AppleSeason's Avatar

Originally Posted by Platy

My country is one step to forcing every people to change their IDs to a single identity that looks like this and would have a chip with every data you need.

Sounds awesome right ?

NOPE !

It is also one of the only IDs that will have permanently your sex marked right below your name. =|
In a country that is already hard as fuck to change your name, let along your sex at birth certificates.

We switched to those ones years ago, an I was pissed too that gender had been moved from the back to the front. Not fun when most cashiers still don't trust anybody despite credit cards being safer now and ask you to show the ID before paying. Some of them taking the time to look at everything and make it a conversation topic.

I got my gender fixed in 2015, but I'm glad the gym never requested it. Its like force outing you self every time.
tearsofash
Member
(04-06-2017, 06:28 AM)
tearsofash's Avatar
Whenever I see my psychiatrist, I just talk about mental issues and stuff but it never occurred to me to talk to them about my gender dysphoria. I found out that in order to get certain surgeries paid for, you have to have a diagnosis of gender dysphoria. A month ago I finally got the courage to see what it would take to get that as a dx, and I gave her the info for WPATH and its SOC. I need to make sure she is a COE I suppose, but I think that's pretty standard if you're licensed? I brought all this up last month, and gave her time to study all this stuff so she can be educated on it. Tomorrow I have my follow up meeting and I hope it goes well.
Silvawuff
Member
(04-06-2017, 05:49 PM)
Silvawuff's Avatar
Hey Cepheus! Thanks for sharing your story. It looks to me like you're doing everything right. I will say (in my humble opinion), you're not going to visit a therapist and they will provide you with a transgender label. If they are any good, they will ask you some questions and help you come to a healthy dose of self-realization. If you feel you are a woman, you are definitely a woman -- you don't need anyone to tell you how you identify because only you understand yourself enough to make that choice.

As for looks, every concern you've fielded can be addressed. First and foremost, there are plenty of tall women out there. I'm tall myself (6'1) and I pass just fine. I see many women at work and in public that see me eye-to-eye (or may be taller!). Cleft lip can be addressed too; actually, if you decide to start wearing makeup, it would be really easy to change the shape of your lip using a little foundation, powder, and lipstick, or you can opt for surgery. I understand a lot of insurance companies may cover a procedure like that.

Voice training is something you have to work on, but again -- lots of women out there have deeper voices, too!

It sounds to me like your Father won't be much of a problem if he's out of your life, or at least at a distance. His problem isn't your problem, it's his. He can wake up from his old-hat philosophies and embrace you, or he may not. There's a lot of complexity here that a proper therapist would be able to give you better guidance on, but don't let his behavior factor into any important decisions you need to make for you.

All that said, do whatever it takes to be happy. I know it can feel lonely when you're first figuring things out. When I started HRT my life improved dramatically, and I would make the same choice again in a heartbeat. Remember things take time and it will take some heavy financial commitment. I've found the more open and truthful you are about yourself, the more people will stand with you and offer you their support. It's a rocky road, but one I would happily walk again. Don't live in that limbo. You sound to me like you're ready.

Apple: I'd strongly encourage you to stick with the aftercare. Letting things close up would be very hard to fix. Everything I've read has the "things get better" threshold at 6 months at least. Have you thought about trying a different regimen (shorter sessions but at more convenient intervals)? Also if the dilators you were given don't seem to be doing the job well, maybe look into a different model or two?
Last edited by Silvawuff; 04-06-2017 at 05:57 PM.
Rösti
Member
(04-07-2017, 12:25 PM)
Rösti's Avatar
Saw this on Twitter:

Originally Posted by Benjamin Dixon‏

Whoever rented this uhaul and followed the transphobic bus around the city is the real MVP.

Source: https://twitter.com/BenjaminPDixon/s...10213780512770

Thumbs up on that, a commendable effort.
AppleSeason
Member
(04-09-2017, 09:23 AM)
AppleSeason's Avatar

Originally Posted by Silvawuff

Have you thought about trying a different regimen (shorter sessions but at more convenient intervals)? Also if the dilators you were given don't seem to be doing the job well, maybe look into a different model or two?

I can't afford to do three sessions. Work. I get up at 5 to dilate and run after the metro, and I arrive home at nigh to stomach dinner fast (I'm going to start dinning inside the train at this rate), shower dilate and sleep. And things can get worse if I am picked for a new project with worse schedule. I did it yesterday saturday since I decided to not leave home in the whole day, and while it enters easier, soreness between sessions increases and I risk the tear opening again. Also adds back pain due to staying too long in bed.

Dilators given by my surgeon are smaller than the media. I'm not even using the final soul source ones.
CrocMother
Member
(04-10-2017, 08:17 PM)
CrocMother's Avatar
Been seeing these really cool posters around my neighborhood in Brooklyn and thought I'd share here:


There's another I saw but didn't photograph that says "Misogyny doesn't make you masculine".
Last edited by CrocMother; 04-10-2017 at 08:20 PM.
Team Alucard
Junior Member
(04-12-2017, 10:07 AM)
Team Alucard's Avatar
I have another appointment with the endo tomorrow. Definitely going to ask about Finasteride, but still leaning against HRT.

Been thinking more and more about ending it lately. The only reason i have been alive for the past 3 or so years is because I didn't want to hurt my family, but my pain tolerance is starting to fade rapidly. I just don't want to deal with life anymore.
Cepheus
Member
(04-12-2017, 01:33 PM)
Cepheus's Avatar

Originally Posted by Silvawuff

Hey Cepheus! Thanks for sharing your story. It looks to me like you're doing everything right. I will say (in my humble opinion), you're not going to visit a therapist and they will provide you with a transgender label. If they are any good, they will ask you some questions and help you come to a healthy dose of self-realization. If you feel you are a woman, you are definitely a woman -- you don't need anyone to tell you how you identify because only you understand yourself enough to make that choice.

As for looks, every concern you've fielded can be addressed. First and foremost, there are plenty of tall women out there. I'm tall myself (6'1) and I pass just fine. I see many women at work and in public that see me eye-to-eye (or may be taller!). Cleft lip can be addressed too; actually, if you decide to start wearing makeup, it would be really easy to change the shape of your lip using a little foundation, powder, and lipstick, or you can opt for surgery. I understand a lot of insurance companies may cover a procedure like that.

Voice training is something you have to work on, but again -- lots of women out there have deeper voices, too!

It sounds to me like your Father won't be much of a problem if he's out of your life, or at least at a distance. His problem isn't your problem, it's his. He can wake up from his old-hat philosophies and embrace you, or he may not. There's a lot of complexity here that a proper therapist would be able to give you better guidance on, but don't let his behavior factor into any important decisions you need to make for you.

All that said, do whatever it takes to be happy. I know it can feel lonely when you're first figuring things out. When I started HRT my life improved dramatically, and I would make the same choice again in a heartbeat. Remember things take time and it will take some heavy financial commitment. I've found the more open and truthful you are about yourself, the more people will stand with you and offer you their support. It's a rocky road, but one I would happily walk again. Don't live in that limbo. You sound to me like you're ready.

Apple: I'd strongly encourage you to stick with the aftercare. Letting things close up would be very hard to fix. Everything I've read has the "things get better" threshold at 6 months at least. Have you thought about trying a different regimen (shorter sessions but at more convenient intervals)? Also if the dilators you were given don't seem to be doing the job well, maybe look into a different model or two?

Thanks for the response! It really opened my eyes. I'll keep experimenting for now and see how things go. My mother/sisters already know I'm bisexual and they're fine with that, so I think that they would be relatively accepting. However, I'm keeping this from them until after my psychiatrist appointment. Even if they don't give me a label or anything, it will give me a better understanding of how I feel about myself and where to go. From there, I will find the words to tell my family about it if needs be. Since I never see my father, chances are he won't even find out about it for months.
AppleSeason
Member
(04-14-2017, 03:35 PM)
AppleSeason's Avatar
Wow, what a change. I switched to soul source dilators and that was the fastest, easiest and painless dilation I have ever done. The way the tip is shaped and angled changes everything.

And chett dilators are terrible. But anyways, I have been using the Easter break to add dilation time to the point I could loosen myself and make it easier again.
Last edited by AppleSeason; 04-14-2017 at 03:45 PM.

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